Understanding Alone
by NellietheMarvelous
Summary: Lisbon Centric. How does she take it when something happens to a member of her team and it's her fault? Is she left finally understanding how Jane must feel each day? Character Death. Not Jane or Lisbon, they're alive


**Disclaimer: Well it's a brand new day but I still don't own it. **

**A/N: I don't know why I've posted this. Part of me just wanted to get it off my chest I suppose. I know I said I wouldn't be posting often and I probably won't. I just wanted to type today. Very Lisbon centric. This is for the November Challenge: Nonsense.**

**WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH! I always swore I would never do this but it's not Jane or Lisbon. I couldn't bring myself to do that.**

**_When the world cuts your soul into pieces,  
and you start to bleed,  
Zoom Into Me -- Tokio Hotel_**

Those moments - those little infractions in time that leave you feeling as though you're cold and alone - do they really exist or do we make them up as we go? Are they ever really as horrible as we make them out to be? When the light at the end of our tunnel burns out, the flame no longer flickering in the dark to light our pathway to the sun, are we truly as alone as we feel? Probably not but that never makes the lonliness vanish when you don't tell anyone. If you're standing alone in the dark and you don't reach out then no one can hold your hand. Nobody will know and sometimes that's the best way to deal with things.

Unhealthy, unethical, dangerous but Teresa Lisbon's way of keeping herself safe. If she was drowning in the silence and pitch black alone then no one else could get hurt. Except there are moments when you're in a hole too deep to crawl out of and the world takes joy in adding more dirt to the ever growing pile around you. Covering you with the substance and not even caring that they are burying you alive. You scream, you cry, you claw at the walls of your grave but nobody cares. They don't hear you because they aren't listening, or maybe it's because the screams are only in your mind. You never open your mouth to let out the pitiful sounds of your overwhelming emotions.

Lisbon always kept things locked down, she had to stay calm and be the leader. She may feel alone in the blackened hole but she isn't. She knows that others have followed her into the darkness. Her team is there, minus one but she still feels as lonely as ever. It was her fault they were in this mess. It was her fault that her friend, her colleague was no longer breathing and her team knew that. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get the guilt to go away.

Cho's death was on her hands. She wondered if this was how Jane felt everyday. If so, she really didn't envy him at all. The pain in her chest made it seem as though someone was turning a knife slowly, taking pleasure in the way she was suffering. It would have been hard enough to lose her friend but to make it worse it would haunt her for the rest of her life. One quick decision cost him his life, but she'd been trying to save a little girl. Not only was Cho's death her fault, so was the little girl's. She should've just listened to Jane.

The evidence had pointed one direction and Jane had tried to steer her in the opposite. She might have given his theory a little more than a quick dismissal if she wasn't already angry at him. Everything was her fault. It was on her shoulders and it was all because of some nonsense that shouldn't have made her angry with Jane in the first place. She should've been annoyed, maybe slightly ticked but really he didn't deserve what she'd been dishing out. He'd poked his nose into her personal life which shouldn't have been that big of a deal so why had she made it into one? One of her best agents was dead all because she was pissed off at her consultant. None of this should have happened.

She shouldn't be sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest in the corner of her shower, soaked and freezing because the water had run cold long ago. She shouldn't have forgotten to turn on the bathroom light. The water shouldn't be mixing with tears that she was tired of fighting. She shouldn't be blaming herself because it never should have happened. She shouldn't be whispering hoarse apologies to a man who was no longer living. The nonsense leaving her lips shouldn't make her feel even worse but it did. No amount of sorries would make anything better, it was just something that no one would hear. Nobody would ever know and she was slightly relieved that they wouldn't see how weak she was in these moments.

Tomorrow she'd talk to Jane, ask him if the guilt ever lessened, if the pain ever eased. She'd ask if he blamed her too, if the team did. He'd know. He always knew and that's why she counted on him. Part of her knew it was pointless to ask questions that she already knew the answers to but she just didn't want to feel so alone. She was going to reach out and wait for him to take her by the hand. Tomorrow, she'd seek comfort from the one man who could shatter her into more than a million pieces. At this point it would only take one word but she had to know if he cared. She wanted someone to care. For the night she'd let herself be buried by the aching sensation in her chest. She let her head fall back against the wall - the water spraying her in the face - and she cried heart wrenching sobs into the dark.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The words would never be heard by anyone other than herself and the cold tile walls of her shower.

**a/n: Sorry it's short and I know it's not happy.....I'm just not in a happy mood which tends to shorten and sadden my stories.**


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